My Reaction to "Tips for Women" by Dave Barry

This piece was extremely witty, extremely amusing, extremely funny, and…extremely true. Honestly, I think Barry could have been going many different directions with this piece; he could have been satirizing women’s views of men or men’s views of women, he could have been satirizing what women want out of relationships or what men want out of relationships, he could have been satirizing relationships in general, or he could have been giving an honest male view of relationships in an extremely amusing and funny way. I interpreted his intent as the later. (And like Barry, I will give moderately satirical but very honest insight into a guys’ reaction to Barry’s piece).

Immediately, from the very first paragraph, I can tell that this is going to be a good read. I completely agree that the only “long-term, stable, intimate, and mutually fulfilling relationship” that a women will be able to easily develop is with a dog. However, I feel like it’s a two way street and a guys’ perfect vision of a long-term relationship can also only be fulfilled by a dog. Think about it, guys want a relationship where they are worshipped and seen as king of land. They want a relationship where they can sit down and do things that they like to do with their significant other like watch sports, eat, and sleep. They want a relationship where things they say are taken at face value and not analyzed to death.

A dog will worship you, he’ll watch sports with you, eat with you, take a nap with you, or even sleep next to you. He will give you alone time when you need it and when you’re out with friends, he won’t constantly call and text you wondering what stupid thing you’re going to do next. When you say “walk” or “treat” he will want a walk or a treat, he’s not going to analyze what you might subconsciously mean by these words. But regardless, there’s one thing that’s 100% certain- he will be there waiting for you at the door when you get home letting you know that he has missed you tremendously and that his world is nothing without you. And likewise, as you are often forced to realize when you have to turn this long-term relationship into a long-distance relationship (aka going off to college) you realize that there is nobody that makes you happier than your dog.

Anyways, that’s enough about dogs being the ideal relationship partner. As Barry progresses, he talks about how women do the exact opposite of everything that I just said men love in a dog. They overthink everything, they never take anything at face value, and they always think you mean something more than what you do. When a boyfriend responds to “how’s your day been?” with “it’s been fine” that simply means his day has been fine. It doesn’t mean that he’s secretly mad at you for some outlandish reason and it surely doesn’t mean that he’s getting bored with your relationship. It simply means that he’s had on okay day.

On page 327 when Barry says that after a confusing conversation, a girl goes home and cries and talks to her friends and a guy “opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he has never heard of” he is 100% spot on (except maybe substitute video games for the tennis match but you get the point). There is nothing more spot on in this entire piece than when Barry states, “We’re not talking about different wavelengths here. We’re talking about different planets, in completely different solar systems.” I think both guys and girls can agree with this statement. Guys and girls simply communicate differently and desire very different things in a relationship. It might seem rather harsh, but I believe that Barry’s ant analogy on page 328 pretty much sums up how guys view relationships and oftentimes this is what gets them in the most trouble. How many times have you heard about a girl being really mad at a guy and the guy has no idea what he did wrong?! Thousands if not millions.

Finally, Barry gets to my absolute favorite part of the piece, the three tips that every women should remember if she wants to have a successful relationship with a guy. Number one-“never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship”- is completely true. Even if you have been casually seeing each other for months and the girl thinks it is understood that you’re mutually exclusive…it’s not! Why do you think it’s always the girls making a relationship FBO and guys are so hesitant to accept the request? It’s because it is truly a shock to the guy that he could ever be in a relationship.

Then, there is number two which is the truest of all- “Do not expect a guy to make a hasty commitment.” He then states “by hasty I mean within your lifetime.” This is also 100% true and his KC Royals example really brings the point home. As a huge hockey fan, am completely devoted to the Dallas Stars. Regardless of how many of my favorite players they trade away, regardless of how many games they lose or playoffs they miss, or how much they disappoint me, I am completely devoted to them. Devotion to women will never rival a man’s lifelong commitment to a sports team. Women absolutely hate this and it drives them nuts but don’t stress about it because you’re not going to change it. Period. Barry’s main point for number two is something that not many guys are brave enough to say but every guy, in a relationship or not, knows is true; guys are scared of commitment because they are scared of missing out. It might seem like a stretch that every guy’s greatest fear regarding commitment is that he’s going to miss out on joining several naked international fashion models in a hot tub but, this exact fear is present in a vast majority of guys.  

And finally number three- “don’t make the guy feel threatened.” Basically anything will make a guy feel threated, especially a sense of obligation, so just leave us to our sports and dogs and the world will be a much less confusing place.